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5 Best Dogs for the Apocalypse

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In hard times, one needs a friend, and in the toughest times, one needs man's best friend. So which dog will best help you weather the coming storm?

An Apocalypse-Dog should have the following characteristics:

  • Good Health - dogs that suffer genetic defects are a liability in a tough scenario.
  • Low food consumption - dogs that eat a giant sack of food every week will be penalized in this assessment.
  • Heightened Awareness - dimwitted or exceptionally friendly dogs are no help.
  • Intimidation - a Maltese named Princess Kisses is almost no help in a confrontation.
  • Intelligence and trainability - a dog that can adapt to circumstances is valuable in a changing world.
  • X-Factor - this is the characteristic that can be an advantage or disadvantage; a unique trait that sets a dog apart, for better or worse, and is highly dependent on your specific circumstances.

5. Rottweiler

b2ap3_thumbnail_450px-Year_Old_Rottweiler.jpg

  • Health- 2
  • Food Consumption- 2
  • Awareness- 5
  • Intimidation- 5
  • Intelligence- 4
  • Total -18

Essentially a larger, more intimidating version of a German Shepherd, the Rottweiler is prone to suffer from hip and heart defects, and this 100 pound-plus dog consumes a lots of food. However, the intimidation factor is maxed out, and they are natural guard dogs that will give you the drop on any tomfoolery.

X-Factor: Blackness

Rottweilers have the advantage at night, being almost totally black. In snow, this is clearly a disadvantage, but in bad lighting, a black dog can run circles around a would-be attacker.

 

4. Miniature Pinscher

b2ap3_thumbnail_Miniature_pinscher.jpg

  • Health- 3
  • Food Consumption- 5
  • Awareness- 5
  • Intimidation- 2
  • Intelligence- 4
  • Total -19

While lacking the intimidation factor, a miniature pinscher is a pocket guard dog. Like most toy dogs, they frequently have genetic defects that lead to hip and eye problems. However, since it is a burglar alarm instead of an attack dog, its mobility is not terribly important. This dog is light on food, and highly aware.

X-Factor: Tininess

The miniature pinscher, unlike the other dogs in this roundup, is tiny. It can be concealed in a coat, squeeze through tiny spaces and avoid capture by virtue of its small stature.

 

3. German Shepherd

b2ap3_thumbnail_479px-Deutscher_Schferhund-_portrait.JPG

  • Health- 3
  • Food Consumption- 3
  • Awareness- 5
  • Intimidation- 4
  • Intelligence- 5
  • Total -20

With a tendency for hip dysplasia and relatively large size, this dog needs good genes and a large food source for its other remarkable traits to shine through. Shepherds are smart and aware, and there is a reason that police and military dogs are almost always German Shepherds.

X-Factor: Super Sense of Smell

German shepherds are often trained to use their noses to do their jobs, and a clever owner could use this to his or her advantage in a tough scenario.

 

2. Pit Bull

b2ap3_thumbnail_Pitbull3.jpg

  • Health- 5
  • Food Consumption- 4
  • Awareness- 4
  • Intimidation- 5
  • Intelligence- 3
  • Total -21

Since pit bulls come in all shapes and sizes, a 50-pound pit bull will be our benchmark. All "pit-bulls" are mutts, a mix of various terriers and bull dogs, lending them good health. Their terrible reputation pegs the meter on intimidation, and gives the illusion of a big dog without the food consumption.

X-Factor: Iron Will

Pit bulls are bred to ignore pain and hardship, have little or no fear, and never give up. When the chips are down, a pit bull won't scamper off.

 

1. Australian Cattle Dog

b2ap3_thumbnail_750px-ACD-blue-spud.jpg

  • Health- 5
  • Food Consumption- 4
  • Awareness- 5
  • Intimidation- 3
  • Intelligence- 5
  • Total -22

This big-headed dog is smart as a whip, smallish and its disproportionately large jaws are quite capable of putting the chomp on someone. They are furry and cute, which dings them pretty hard on the intimidation factor, but they are also very healthy dogs, frequently living into their mid-teens. Overall, the Australian cattle dog offers the best balance of capability and liability.

 X-Factor: Cuteness

While people will be inclined to overreact to a pit bull or rottweiler, people will underestimate cattle dogs, giving them a tactical edge.

 

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Richard is an engineer by day, and a political activist by night, fighting would-be totalitarians and government busybodies everywhere.

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